When a Victim is Treated Worse than the Offender

Recently, I was helping a family member, in another state, through the process of getting a domestic violence protection order and criminal charges for physical and mental abuse. Upon determining the process, we went to see a domestic violence advocate with the county sheriff’s office. I sat quietly while she interviewed the victim. During that interview, my family member stated that during the fight, she kept asking for a piece of personal property that her husband had taken. The advocate stopped the victim and asked “why she kept antagonizing him” and why she wouldn’t “just leave” without her property. At this point, the victim began to cry which seemed to annoy the advocate. I couldn’t help but wonder if she had ever sat on the other side of the desk. Being a victim and now an advocate myself, I questioned her training and her lack of empathy.

We finished with the advocate and the process of completing the domestic violence protection order. As we left the office, we called the local police department and requested an officer meet us back at the victim’s home to retrieve some of her personal clothing. When law enforcement arrived, the officer stated that he had read through the case and he asked the victim why she would want to go back in there at that time. At this point, I intervened because my family member was once again being questioned as if she was doing something wrong. I simply stated the facts; that my family member had been wearing the same clothing for 3 days because she left with nothing after being assaulted. Law enforcement finally allowed us into the home and we safely got her clothing and toiletries.

"police called the victim and told her that because she waited from late Sunday night to Tuesday morning to give her statement that she waited too long and they were not going to pursue any charges against the abuser"

The day before this, my family member went to the police department for them to get her statement and to take pictures of her injuries. By the end of the week, the abuser had left the state. The following week the victim had her hearing for the domestic violence protection order which was missed
because they couldn’t serve him with the paperwork. A slap in the face. Then, a few days later, police called the victim and told her that because she waited from late Sunday night to Tuesday morning to give her statement that she waited too long and they were not going to pursue any charges against the abuser. Another slap in the face.

All of this leads to a lot of frustration. It is hard enough for a victim to come forward and make the decision to pursue criminal or civil charges and face her abuser again and again in court without being retraumatized by the very ones that are supposed to help them. Those working with victims should be empathetic and never blame them for their abuse. After all, they didn’t ask to be choked, knocked to the floor and kicked or stomped, etc.